Four's A Crowd - You've Got Mail



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Dear CC,

I’m recently divorced and my ex husband and I have a 6 year old daughter.  Dealing with a divorce is difficult enough but dealing with your child being around “daddy’s new girlfriend” is another thing.  This woman, who I’ve only met a few times, decides to tell my daughter that her hair is “so nappy” and that her mother needs to “slap a perm in her hair!” Now imagine the look on my face when my daughter recites this to me.  A few things go through my head:

1.       This b*&%H said what?! *takes off earrings*

2.       How dare this chick talk to my child in this manner

I have since calmed down but want to know your opinion on this.   I am transitioning myself and to be honest, sometimes I have mixed feelings about the whole natural thing.  My daughter has never had a relaxer.

Dear Frustrated Mom,

First I can absolutely relate to your dilemma.  I am a divorcee with a daughter and I know how hard it can be dealing with a new woman in your child’s life.  Fortunately, I have had nothing but positive experiences thus far in this area.  Anyway, It sounds like a few things need to happen:

1.   Sit down with your daughter and talk to her about what has taken place.  Explain to her that she and her hair are gorgeous and that sometimes people say unkind things about things they don’t understand.  Not everyone can appreciate true natural beauty and that’s what you and mommy have.   Follow up with plenty of hugs and kisses!  These types of comments are hurtful to an adult so imagine the possible effects on a small child. 

2.   Talk to your ex about the comment.   Make sure the two of you are on the same page about how to handle issues that arise with YOUR daughter.  You and he are the decision makers in her life and anyone who undermines that is not worthy of being in either one of their lives.  Parenting is difficult enough, especially from two different households, yet alone trying to build relationships with new partners.  He needs to remind her to remain respectful of you and your daughter and learn to censor herself if she has something negative to say.

3.   If you feel it necessary to talk to her directly, which depends on a lot of other factors which I’m not sure about from your email, then do so.  Politely but firmly explain to her that the comments concerning your daughter’s hair were hurtful to her and disrespectful to you.  Explain that you would appreciate future concerns to be directed at her father and or you and not your daughter.

      I personally do not feel it isnecessary to go into explaining your daughter’s hair and your choice to not relax her hair.  It’s really none of her business and not something that you have to justify to her or anyone for that matter.  I do not feel you have to come “at her” to get your point across.  If this woman is going to be around your child, it would be helpful to get along but at the same time, let her know to STAY IN HER LANE.  Hopefully she is mature enough to hear you and will respect what you are saying and this will be nipped in the bud.  Good Luck!

Curly Chic

So Fresh and So Clean Clean, How to Keep Your Mane Fresh and Clean



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Summer time = more heat, more sweat, which equals more funk!  During the warmer months people tend to be more active outdoors; with kids being out of school, barbeques and family vacations, you can end up with sweaty and smoky tresses.  With that said, I am curious as to how fellow naturals keep their hair smelling fresh and clean.  I have my own remedies but would like to hear from everyone else. 

·         Shampoo – obvious tip.  Of course, clean hair is clean smelling hair. 

·         Make sure hair tools are clean (combs, brushes, etc)

·         Use scented shampoos/conditioners

·         I recently picked up some So Sexy products from Victoria’s Secret, as suggested by KisforKinky and they smell really great.  I’ll probably do a review on them at a later date. 

·         Use lavender or rose water as a rinse or refresher

·         Fabric softener sheet in your satin bonnet – this came from Mahoganybella on twitter and YouTube’s Who Is Sugar, one of my fave YouTubers.  I have not actually tried this myself but apparently it has worked for these ladies. *Click on the link to Who Is Sugar and check out her video.  The tip is at the very end.

*Note:  I found out today that Trader Joe's has lavender fabric sheets.  I am going to try them!

What do you do to ensure a fresh mane?

Natural is Natural is Natural…Right?

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There has always been this sense of competition among black women.  I am sure other races experience it too on some level but it seems to be more prevalent in our community.  It starts on the childhood playground and spills over into adult hood.  You feel it in the office when you walk into the cafeteria.  A table of black women look in your direction, eye you from head to toe followed by the twisted curved lips to the left.  You return an awkward smile but in your head knowing they have somehow formed an opinion about you prior to ever meeting you. 

Its girls’ night.  You and your girls go to a nice lounge for drinks, good music and the opportunity to dish.  What happens as soon as you walk in?  A woman standing at the bar with her man gives you and your friends the once over and suddenly moves closer to his side.  The natural community is unfortunately no exception. 

The hair typing system created to aid naturals in hair care has created a great hair divide.  Andre Walker, Oprah’s stylist credited with creating one of the systems which breaks down hair textures based on curl pattern and shape.  When I first went natural, I did not know such a formal guide existed.   I simply learned through trial and error, what worked and what didn’t work.

Click here for a detailed breakdown of Andre’s system.

We’ve all heard about Walker’s recent interview with Elle which has caused quite an uproar in the natural hair community.  As a result, he responded and you can check that out on his site.

I recently went to a dinner party and 90% of the women present were naturalistas.  When I walk in, right away, I have a big smile on my face because of the obvious commonality and say my hellos.  Quite “naturally” the conversation turned to hair and how long you’ve been natural, what products everyone uses, etc.  I immediately was met with the “oh, you have good hair, you don’t count”.  What the what?  *eyes widen*.  Excuse me?  So I don’t count because I have what is considered type 3 hair?  This is not the first time this has happened.  I have frequently received the cold shoulder from fellow naturals who don’t deem my hair kinky enough, or not nappy enough.  Some say my struggle isn’t their struggle because I don’t have the same issues or challenges that a type 4 may experience.  My response is usually that all hair types have pros and cons.  No two manes are alike and it is important to educate yourself on your hair type so that you can combat your hair struggles.  I’ve heard someone say just because two women share the “natural hair bond” doesn’t mean they will automatically be natural sisters.  I agree from the standpoint that not all people will get along, regardless of hair texture.  However, our hair texture differences should not automatically put as at opposite ends.  Why not use that commonality as a source of bonding rather than a point of contention?  I find that to be trivial and non productive.  Why do we need to find yet another reason to conflict?  Why all the focus on hair type anyway? 

Let’s be clear, I’ve had some very positive experiences as well so I am not saying this happens 100% of the time. 

What about everyone else?  Have you been snubbed by a fellow natural based on hair type?

It’s Getting Haute In Here

I have never been one who likes hair on her hair, face or neck.  I constantly have this feeling of something crawling on my face all day.  When I was little, my mother would die before she allowed me to leave the premises without a bang.  Not a cut bang, mind you, just a large group of hair in the front that was rolled on a pink sponge roller and called a bang.  It made me extremely self conscious about my forehead and my widow’s peak.  At any rate, now that I’m …uumph…older….I’m over those 2 things and now you will hardly ever catch me with hair in my face.  I used to be known for ponytails and buns.  Once I started embracing my curl pattern, I began to wear my hair out more.  However, this summer thus far has been way too much for me to handle when it comes to my hair.  I love the sexy appeal of huge hair but it’s simply too hot for all of that right now.  With temps in the 90s, I am in search of some off the neck or at least partially off the neck, off the face hairdos that are cute my not kiddie girl cute. 

My hair idol is rocking the cutest style in this photo.  This looks like a cute do for my Hawaii trip?  Yes?

Last Night I Danced With The Devil - Part 3

A few things I've noticed since I straightened my hair.  For a refresher, click here and here.
So I noticed when I walked around with my straight hair, I didn’t get the friendly smile I typically receive when I see other fellow naturals.  Usually my lunch hour is spent running errands because that’s really the only time I have to do so.  Evenings and weekends are family time and I chose not to use it standing in long lines, taking a stroller in and out of the car and buckling and unbuckling car seats.  Lunch hour is less crowded and less distracting.  I bumped into several lovely women with natural tresses and like usual, I always give a friendly smile and a happy hello.  Kinda’ like the universal head nod we brown people do that says we have a bond and we’re happy about it.  I am a friendly person anyway so I am always polite to all but a little extra to my fellow naturals.  Only because they are so few and far between where I live.  Anyway, since I’ve been wearing my straight hair, my smile is met with a not so friendly response.  I almost feel as if I’m wearing a mask and those who normally recognize me can no longer see me.  I want to shout “hey, I’m natural too!  No…really I am!”  I miss the feeling of comradery that exist amongst naturalistas; I miss not being like everyone else and the great feeling I get when met with another woman on the same path as me. 

Has this ever happened to anyone?   Do you feel not yourself when your curls are not on display?

Last Night I Danced With The Devil - Part 2

For those who are interested, this was my straightening routine mentioned in Part 1. Pretty boring and simple but the blog is about sharing right?

·    Shampooed with Neutrogena Anti-Residue to rid my hair of any product build up.  I use this about once per month. *Note – I do not shampoo my ends to prevent dryness. 

·    Conditioned with Trader Joes Nourish Spa Balance Moisturizing Conditioner.

*I did not deep condition this time for 2 reasons:

1.   I just deep conditioned and gave myself a protein treatment on Saturday, which is my normal wash day. This was an impromptu session sparked by a sudden urge of energy!

*I have never done a protein treatment before because I was not sure what to use.  There are so many suggestions out there but I finally went with Aubrey Organics Glycogen Protein Balancing Conditioner, recommended by my blog sister, Lola!  I will be doing a review after I use it a few more times but until then, check out her review.

2.   Time did not permit.  I started this entire process around 5:30 and I usually leave my deep conditioner in overnight.  I had to have this entire processe complete in time for my son’s 7:00pm bath time.

I WILL ABSOLUTELY MAKE UP FOR THIS MISSED DEEP CONDITIONING SESSION!  I DO NOT LIKE SKIPPING THIS IMPORTANT STEP!

·         Detangled and sectioned into 7 sections for easier handling

·         My daughter then applied heat protectant and proceeded to blow each section with my     yellow bird hair dryer.  I’ve had this blow dryer forever.

·         She then flat ironed each section

·         I then snipped away! 

FINITO!

I have not retained much length because I have been cutting on it here and there so any growth has been met with scissors.  I’m not overly concerned about it though because it’s still growing.  For whatever reason, my front and sides don’t grow much.  I’m sure it has to do with the shape my hair was cut in years ago.  It’s never grown out of that shape and it's ugly but less noticeable when I wear my natural curls. 

I wrapped my hair up at night, however, my hair never stays in a wrapped state and when I woke up, the scarf was MIA.  So, it looked ok but I have a low tolerance for hair hanging all over the place.  It is in a pony tail now.  LOL!  I think I will put some rollers in it tonight and rock this look at least until the weekend.   At least that will give it some body and fullness.  If it wasn’t 90 degrees everyday, I would probably keep it longer.  Remember how flat your hair would look after a fresh relaxer?  Well at least mine did.  It was just so straight, it could do nothing but lay there.  Well that’s how my hair looks now.   I don’t even look the same with my hair straight.  People at work are looking at me straight crazy, you know with that "that is not her hair" look? 

HAM!

How do you guys handle your hair when and if you straighten it?  Do you have a straightening regimen?  I didn’t think I did but looks like I do.   

Ciao ladies!

Last Night I Danced With The Devil - Part 1

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Ok that’s a bit dramatic but it’s probably what my hair would say if she could talk.  I have been experiencing lots and lots of shedding and lots and lots of tangles and fairy knots of late.  Much of the shedding has to do with the fact that I do and always have bleached my hair.  As for the fairy knots and tangles, I desperately needed a trim.  I have been snipping a bit here and there but I needed a full out trim so I shampooed and blow dried my hair and then my daughter flat ironed it!  Now I am not a fan of trimming because I think some people trim unnecessarily.  However, in cases where extreme porosity is involved, i.e. hair that has been colored, I see it as a necessary evil.  I have not had a flat iron in my hair since October 2010 and before that I can’t remember the last time.  It’s not something I typically do because it does my hair a major disservice but I wanted to do a severe trim and felt more comfortable doing it on straight hair.  Anyway, what’s done is done.  Trust me when I tell you there will be no more of that any time soon, if ever.  My hair does feel better though so I needed to lose those few inches.  I have not had time to download the pics yet but I will post this coming week in part 2 of this post.  BTW – this is a 3 parter! 

Run Girl Run! Get Fit Friday!

Every week my company’s Wellness Coach gives us health tips, mostly about running, and I have really found them beneficial.  So much so that I’ve decided to share them with you guys every week!  Enjoy!

Footwear

The best walking shoe for you will be the one that fits you best, says Consumer Reports. That may seem obvious, but it is easy to get seduced by the look of a walking shoe and ignore the basics. In addition to the basics -- shop late in the day when your feet are larger, measure both feet to see if they are the same size, wear the same socks you will wear when you walk -- it is important to take into consideration your foot type as well. If you have a high arch, you will want a thick midsole for extra conditioning. If you have flat feet, you will want a shoe that prevents your foot from rolling too much to the inside and overpronating.

2nd girl in black tights is my daughter

General Stretching Guidelines

It is important to only stretch your muscles when they are warm. Cold muscles are less pliable and more prone to injury. Warm up before stretching by performing some light but progressive cardio for five to 10 minutes; for example walk, jog and then run. Warm muscles stretch much more easily. If you are stretching as part of your warm up, focus on the muscles you are going to be using in your workout. In your cool down, stretch any muscles that you have just exercised plus any that feel tight. Dynamic and ballistic stretches are best suited to your warm up and static stretches are best suited to your cool down. The longer you hold a static stretch, the greater your flexibility improvements will be.

Check out this post for tips on managing your natural mane while working out!

When You Were Relaxed….The Relaxer Series

When you were relaxed....what made you stay that way?

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Back in the day, or maybe not so far back for some, what made you continue to relax your hair? Here are just a few I’ve heard:

·    Relaxers were all you knew

Many of us grew up getting our hair done sitting in between our mother’s legs warning us with a brush and a sharp tongue to “be still!” If you are like me, my mother slapped the “white stuff” in my hair from a box in the kitchen.  It was almost like a rite of passage if you will.  Once you were a certain age or once your mother deemed your kinks unmanageable – in comes the white stuff to save the day.  It’s not like you were given a vote.  I mean, really you didn’t know of anything else so there was no protest going on.  No chants of “relaxers are unfair!” 

 Everyone had one and if they didn’t, it was for one of two reasons:

1.       They had “good hair”

2.       They were “African booty scratchers” – sad and ignorant but this is how  brainwashed kids were back in the day!  To be fair, it wasn’t their fault.  Society and media painted such a negative picture of our culture, it was hard to not fall right in line with this way of thinking.

·    You thought only people with “good hair” could wear their hair natural

When I was growing up, hair fell into 2 categories:

1.       Good hair

2.       Nappy hair

Now what does that say?  These two categories were meant to be opposites, correct?  What’s the opposite of good?  Bad…hence the negative association with the word “nappy” that I’ve touched on before.   The hair typing system was nonexistent.

Now to be clear, if you were in category #1 – Good Hair, you were either “mixed” (I’m not crazy about this term either but I digress).  Oh and for sure you had Indian in your family.    

·    You thought it represented  a militant revolutionary group with a political agenda

Only those with afro picks and raised fists wore their hair natural.    

·    You were afraid to let go of the white stuff

How do you let go of something that has been such an integral part of your life?  When you depend on something like clockwork – every 6-8 weeks, it presents a real challenge when you are faced with having to do without it. 

·    Natural was not the look for you

Hair is a major part of our appearance and for women especially.  If you do not feel like a certain look is flattering to your face, it is understandable that you may prefer one style over another. 

·    You were afraid you wouldn’t be accepted

This means by peers, potential love interests, family, professionals in the work place, etc.  Acceptance is important to most people.  It is especially important to be accepted by those in your inner circle and if you feel as if you won’t have support in the journey, it can be a major deterrent.

What were/are your reasons for staying relaxed?

Styles that still ROCK! The Afro

The Afro

The 1960s are credited with giving birth to the afro. At that time it was described as “the African style where the hair grows in a shape of a ball”, or “the natural”. It was largely associated with the revolutionary Black Power movement in the late 60s and well into the 1970s.  It sparked the black is beautiful concept and the need to express oneself as being black and proud via hair and fashion.

Pam Grier depicted the epitome of sexy with her portrayals of strong yet sensuous black women rocking fros.   

If you walked into the living room of any black family during this time, you were sure to see images of black people on television wearing afros.  Good Times, The Jeffersons and Soul Train were all black household staples.  Wilona was THE flyest of the fly!

The afro maintained its popularity well into the 1980s and it was reintroduced to the world in the millennium years as we once again begin to embrace our naturalhood. Artists such as Erykah Badu and Jill Scott showed us that this look is classic yet timeless, powerful yet delicate.    

Diffusing, What's that?

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A diffuser is an attachment designed to disperse the air flow of a blow dryer and spread it over a larger area.  Diffusers are primarily used with curly hair because the air disperses without disturbing the wave pattern or cause frizz when drying.  It is recommended that a diffuser be used on low setting. 

Reasons to use:

·         Stretch the hair

·         Dries hair with minimal heat exposure

·         Creates volume

·         Keeps curls intact

I have not used a diffuser in years – partly because I’m lazy and partly because I wasn’t really sure why I used it to begin with.  LOL!  I still have it so perhaps I will revisit at some point.  Does anyone else diffuse?  If so, is there a noticeable difference?  Would love to see some before and after pics!  Please send!

There are a million + 1 You Tube videos on the topic!  If you would like to see how one of my fave You Tubers, Taren916, uses a diffuser, click here:  http://youtu.be/RcbURgM6ukw.  It’s one of her older videos; however, the information is not!  She gives a very detailed “how to” demonstration.

Retiring the Wash and Go



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Ok so I made mention of possibly changing my staple summer hairdo and it’s official, wash and gos are a no go for me.  Why, you ask?

Ø  Length

I have had a significant amount of growth since last summer and the wash n go creates way too many tangles for my hair.  The infamous fairy knots are already in abundance in my coils but more so with wash and gos.  I end up losing so much hair and my detangling sessions are quadrupled. 



Wash and Go 2009



What will I do instead?  No freakin clue!  A wash and go for me is just that…I wash it and I go!  No sectioning or adding a lot of product, no scrunching and plopping or diffusing.  I throw some conditioner in and keep it moving.  I’ve shared before that twist outs aren’t really for me either.  Click here to see one of my twist outs.  I did like it at the time but looking back, I am not crazy about the way it hangs. 

They end up looking and behaving just like a wash and go for me so really there’s no point.  I spend too much time twisting only to achieve the exact result.  My fave style of all time is the braid out with the bun running a close second.  However, the braid out smothers my neck and shoulders with hair, which is ok during the cooler months but I just can’t deal with that when it’s 98 degrees out.  A bun is cool; it solves most of my issues. 

·         Protects the ends

·         Tucks hair away for safekeeping – no blowing in the wind!

·         My face, neck and ears are free from hair – much cooler!

Only thing is I don’t want to pull my hair back the entire summer.  I am looking for a long term solution.  I have been wanting some afro twists for awhile but I’m a little hesitant.  Will it look right on me?  Who will do it?  If I do it, when the heck will I have time to do it?  Can I leave them in for at least 4 weeks?  I tend to get bored after a few days.  So the only thing I know for sure right now is – no more wash and gos.  Bottom line - it is more trouble than it’s worth so I am hereby retiring this look.  Thank you so much of the years of care free styling but it’s time to say bye boo.

What style have you retired?

Hawaii - Style Inspiration



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 Time to gear up for my trip to Hawaii next month!  I am so excited!  I have always wanted to go and I am finally getting the opportunity to do so.  It is super expensive but hey - does my daughter really need books for college in the fall?  I want to be uber sexy and have an epic experience!  Not sure how I will rock my hair yet.  Suggestions? 

I found this on one of my fave fashion blogs, Fashionbombdaily and it was right on point.  I will use it as style inspiration while selecting items to pack.  Click here to check it out!  It felt as if she wrote it specifically for me!  Mahalo!

Organic - Smorganic! Is It or Isn't It?

This story broke several weeks ago so I’ve had this story on the back burner for a minute now.  You have most likely heard about the lawsuit being filed against 26 companies for misrepresenting their products as being organic; and if not, let me be the first to share a few details.  California law states that products must contain at least 70% organic ingredients in order to be able to use the term "organic".  Click here for the complete story and the list of companies named in the lawsuit. 

The Center for Environmental Health states they have found dozens of products made by these companies which contain FEW OR NO ORGANIC INGREDIENTS.  What????  Let’s be clear, these are allegations and have not yet been proven.  Some consumers are very brand loyal and make purchasing decisions based solely on ingredients.

If it turns out these companies are taking advantage of consumers, will you discontinue purchasing these products?

 



Check this lovely natural out!  She has gorgeous hair and some great health eating tips!

Mommy and Me - You've Got Mail

My daughter & I 2008

Mother and daughter relationships are complex because the daughter looks to her mother as a role model of what a woman is.

Hey Tammy

My daughter and I have been wearing braids and weaves as we wait for the remainder of our relaxer to grow out.  It has been a long and grueling process and I have been ready to just cut it off and get it over with.  Well, that works for me because I’ve always worn my hair short anyway.  However, my daughter is 16 and she was not quite ready for such a drastic move.  Well last week we finally said let’s just do it.  We cut the remaining relaxer out of our hair and are both ready to get this natural thing started.  Problem is I have no idea what products to do, what hairstyles, etc. 

My response:

First of all, congratulations!  Transitioning in general is a rough road and can be especially difficult for teenagers who aren’t quite comfortable in their own skin yet.  The BC is a big step.  I wore my hair in a sort of twa years ago (like 1995!), very Jada Pinkett - ish right after having my first child.  But it was more of a “I just had a baby but I’m still hot move” more than it was a naturalista move.  I will have to find some old pics and post.  At any rate, it’s a bold move so I commend you ladies. 

Product selection is somewhat of a trial and error.  Here are a few things to consider:

1.   What do you want the product to do for you?

Do you want curl definition or do you want a moisturized twa?

2.   Are ingredients important to you?

Whether you prefer to stick with all natural hair products or not, ingredients are important.  Get familiar with ingredients and educate yourself about what each ingredient does.  Check out this “Hit List”article from NaturalBelle. 

3.   What season is it?

Products perform differently during certain times of year.   Take a look see at my summer regimen.

Also this video from Curly Headed PJ regarding Spring/Summer products is helpful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2IJy5gPtAo

4.   Is budget an important factor?

To most of us, the answer is yes.  Target has a wide selection of natural hair products starting at  9.99 and up. 

Other options:

CurlMart.com

Lolasgreenhair.com (gently used products)

Amazon.com

Once you answer these questions, you will find it much easier to decide what to use.  I recommend keeping a diary of products you use and how your hair reacts.  See this article on creating a regimen.

Hairstyles

YouTube YouTube YouTube!  There are so many hairstyles to choose from.  No one can ever say natural hair is boring!  Check out this article.

Send me some pics soon!

P.S.  Don’t forget to check me out on CN this week and last week!

http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/06/7-signs-you-may-be-obsessed-with-your.html

http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/07/5-things-that-trigger-impulse-product.html